There are a lot of things I’d say right now.
Like, “Hi, it’s Saturday night, and I’d rather sit inside than go out and do anything of importance.” And well okay. I’m at home in New Jersey so there’s not exactly anything to do even if I wanted to, but in theory,
I can’t get over the scent of limes.
The things I want to say to her: like, Hi? Remember the first time we broke up I was actually sad, like I cried. In the library. I texted Michelle and said “[Redacted] broke up with me” and she said “aw boo” and she came and sat with me in the stairwell while I cried. And while I was crying I said “I don’t even know why I’m crying it’s been like a month and a half, and we weren’t even dating exclusively,” and she said “that’s okay” because that’s how friends are sometimes, and I miss them, and I miss the library being the collective emotional locus that somehow governed our lives. The fact that I cried over you in the library, and that my friends took me home and we made cookies together, is something I will possibly not say to you ever.
What does the past matter, anyway? When everything seems new about me, shiny even? Confidence - you may say. I am a BOY now, I real boy. I used to hate everything and now I don’t. No, now I don’t. I listen to people now - or try to. I try not to actively make other people’s lives miserable as long as they don’t make mine. I might even like this kid I work with whom I thought I hated just because I got tired of hating him and I get tired of making everything more complicated than it actually has to be.
If I can’t manage to take care of this FUCKING ticket I am going to be mightily pissed, but how hard can it be? Print the docs, or whatever. Mail it back out. Get a new date. Don’t miss it.
This is just about the extent of what I can handle for today, practically speaking.
