make it real
this is something i’ve been saying to myself forever, for years now. “make it real.” “make it real.” as though in repeating I may appease those lazy gods of actualization. “make it real.” i was talking to myself, and “make it real” for every morning I thought i’d wake up and find it all reversed, find out “the parts were a mistake,” & C. and C.
it’s taken an enormous struggle just for me to make it this far. just for me to make it up to THIS point. being who I am. and of the experience I am of. there is no softer feeling than ice pellets pounding the car outside, i finished two beers, this is not a parallel structure, oh
no. i am here because of LIFE. i am here because I read my notebook with my old name on the front, the first name i had. the name that is not MINE, as I finally admit, but rather an alias that was more conveniently able to guide me through. because I found my journals, and I found what I spoke about the summer before I came out.
the truth was, I wasn’t happy. the whole thing sang with pain. it was white-hot. no one ate watermelon. the truth was buried somewhere half-way through the pages and the melodrama and i had no idea how to even begin to explore what my body meant to me. i had just never thought about it. and am i that much of an idiot who had never thought about it? i guess i was. it was just obvious to me. my body was a non-issue. even though i decided at age 19 that i wasn’t female, i decided that that “wasn’t a big deal.” as though people make those kind of decisions on a regular basis. “it wasn’t a big deal,” just turn your life upside down over this. please. who was i kidding. i lived like that for two years and I was happy, until I wasn’t anymore. i lived until pain sang and wrung through dishrags like dirty water. it only hurt as worse as the worst hurt you’ve ever known: no more or less. this is just what i’ve done. it’s not different from what you’ve done. every moment we’ve each lived was real, and owned.
i don’t want to be alone in my struggle.
it was always real. i didn’t have to make it real, this is just the way that it’s meant to be.
